What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:05
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was in good health!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And i lived it daily.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Who then, do I blame.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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She loved him until the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why is social media so anti-fee speech, and have they become total BS?
She found it foreign!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
She married twice! .
I write beautiful poetry .
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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This is soul school!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
All the time i was locked up.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One cannot live in the past .
So, i spoilt her more .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was seconnd youngest,
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im still living with it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Put me off passion for life!!
He knew the spot.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were not on the streets..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Would this be the day?
I said to her
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My life is so biszare .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We all went to grammer schools
It was going to be , some day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I think the readers, may guess!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She wouldn,t have been !
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it wasn’t much.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I will be 64.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was scared of men, in general
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So whats the point in blame.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was very sick at this time too.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What did i know ?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.